Vulnerabilty

Car Radio.....this song struck a chord with me.  It resonates deep meaning in my soul honestly.  I think that it can be interpreted in many different ways.  

      Realness....what is that?  To me it's being vulnerable and open about how you honestly feel.  Many people hide behind this mask that they have created and shield you from any honest outlook of their life.  They show you the good, but fail to show you the bad and the ugly.  Then there are some that do show you the bad and the ugly.  While doing that there solution is to look to the positive, to look to Jesus.  While that may work for many, often times, it is a discouragement as well. 
      Why do I say this, well it's time for ME to be real with you.  I am recreating "this blog" to show a different side, a different perspective of my life, a life of a wife and mom.  A mom who has been married for almost 20 years to her highschool sweetheart. A mom who has seven children, ranging from 19 down to 2.   A mom who is a stay at home mom.  A mom who believes in Jesus but yet has grown apart from Him.  A mom who is tired and exhausted  but desires peace and rest.  
     A mom that feels that so many of us out there could use a different perspective because it is so easily covered up that most of us are "losing our shit daily."  Which leads me back to Car Radio.  The meaning for me, the depth of the song, is one of feeling lost, feeling despair, having a sense that there is no way out.  Many times I feel this way but I hide behind those feelings.  I get lost in my mind with all of the overwhelming noise that accompanies the chaos of my life.  Now don't get me wrong, I am blessed.  I honestly do not have any reason to be in despair.  But my mind, the thoughts that consume me, tell me differently.  It is a constant battle.  
     While I do not have all the answers, I do know the solutions to the issues that I face, but at this time have no desire to fight through that.  The song starts out with, "I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate."  This describes my days.  I start out believing the best, but then life gets in the way. I let my worries, my insecurities and my issues swallow me.  I go through hi's and low's.  I choose to stay there or climb out.  Somedays I climb out, most days I stay there.  
     The phrase where he talks about "reminding me who I killed inside my dream,"  while he may not mean this the same way that I do, I find that as a representation of myself killing my "old self," who I once was.  I feel that I get lost during the season of babyhood/toddlerhood.  I've experienced this once before, having four children within 6 years, finally having a reprieve, then to replay it all again 8 years later, 3 children within 5 years, I lost "myself."    
     So many of us have done this.  Yet we fail to realize that it is normal.  The majority of women that you see everyday have these feelings but yet fail to show you their true colors.  They put on this mask, everything is okay, I am okay, my children are okay, my marriage is okay, but yet WE ARE NOT OKAY!  Why then is it so hard for us, as women to be vulnerable, to be real?  Why not bond together and rest on each others strengths and walk through those weaknesses alongside each other.  
      For me, I'm just tired.  Tired of being fake and looking like I have it all together because honestly I don't.  So to sum this post up, why not be honest the next time someone asks you how you are.  If you are the one asking, really listen, don't let that person get off with "I'm okay."  My intentions are to start being real, sharing the good, the bad and the ugly.  Playing out my song on repeat until someone get's it, until someone feels normal because someone spoke out......