What's the deal

What's the deal, why is this so hard, why am I making this so hard....
Why am I so angry, tired and just done?  What gives....
Between teenagers and toddlers I am spent....I am in a complaining mood too often....I want to pull my hair out....
I read articles or hear advice of when moms get in these tight places, these moods....but in all of them it is not daily or every few hours, it's every once in awhile...this too shall pass, why is not passing....
Jesus, jesus, jesus, please help me, why aren't you helping me?
Why is it for the last two weeks I have been consistent with getting up, exercising daily, changing my eationg habits, even lost 5 pounds, but I still feel worn out and exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually, what gives!!??
My husband is amazing and is taking me away for 3 nights, much needed and much appreciated.....but all I can think about is leaving my mom with these kids and having to come back and face reality, joking how I'm not coming back, yet am I joking....in my heart no, I'm just done....
I pray this time away helps because I need rejuvenated....I am tired of feeling like this....

Not important

To some this might feel like a typical post....mother of seven, stay at home house wife, feels un important....

I wish i didnt have so many emotions, I wish I could just not care....

I don't feel important, I don't feel like I'm needed, except by the little babies obviously because they are so dependent on me....

I remember what it felt like to feel needed, I remember what it felt like to feel important and that I made a difference in lives....I remember what it felt like to be sought after....I remember what it felt like when I was upset or crying and that special someone would hold me and talk to me if I needed him....I remember what it was like to be cherished....I remember what is was like for that special someone to want to be with me....

No wonder so many of us feel lonely and depressed....no wonder so many mothers have acts of desperation, no wonder so many women go off the deep end and spiral out of control....

We're lonely, we miss being needed, really needed by the one we love....sure he can work to death for you and take care of you in that retrospect, and while we appreciate it, that is not what we crave, what we need, it's love, the love that he used to have, where he couldnt wait to be with you, he'd whisk you away just the two of you finally on a regular basis...

I am a mother, a maid, a doer, a nurse, a teacher, a chef, all these things wrapped together in one....I am surronded by children, but I am so lonely....it makes me extremely sad....

Giving up

I find it interesting that I want to title this post giving up as it correlates with our 21 day fast, giving up something or fasting and my first five this morning is about surrending, coming to Jesus....

I don't understand why it is so hard to "feel" Jesus....I have never been one to be completely into Jesus.  During times of drought, He showed up in a big way, I definitely felt His presence.....yet now as I am in the normal throws of life, I don't "feel" Him.....yet I have these random moments where He gives me a task and I know it is Him because of the way I feel, yet it amazes me because at the time I feel so disconnected from God...

Jesus says, come to me if you're thirsty....well I have been thirsty for some time and have literally put Jesus on a back burner...I need to get Him off and allow Him to fill these empty places in my heart....I know He can and will, but do I believe it, really believe that He has the capability of drawing me out of this pit....do I want Him to?  Have I become so comfortable in my "misery" that I would rather stay there for fear of what He will allow to happen....

No one changes overnight, i haven't changed in years....it's comfortable where I am, it's easy, but yet it leaves me angry, isolated and almost depressed....

So giving up for me wouldn't require any huge sacrifice, just persistence on my end and heartfelt repentance....

Goodbye facebook, hello bloging

This is a new day and definitely a test of willpower for me....facebook consumed me, yet isolated me as well....I would struggle daily with others post and their seemingly sappy wonderful life....even if it was a normal life, for some reason it made me angry and I still don't understand why....maybe because I felt like a fake, a failure of sorts....due to the way I felt versus the way I was looked at and perceived....

Many posts would share how great things were, whether it be with exercising, with their kids, their husbands.....but I struggled with all of it...

I am tired, I am weary, I am tired of being a mom 24/7....I felt like I was punching a time clock, the daily grind....

Being 249 pounds I am sure did not help, having three babies in 3 years time, just a little stressful for this full time momma of 7....

So for now, although my mindset is not there, I know in time it will be....I am praying that God will give me the grace to fall in love with Him again, help me  to enjoy my "job" yet once again, and help me shed 100 pounds as quickly as I can.....this being done I fully believe it will bring me back