Step 1...i am powerless, my life is unmanageable....

full realization that my life had become unmanageable.....
I am powerless over alcohol, but not over my life, my actions, or myself...
I have never really admitted I was powerless over alcohol.  I keep trying to influence, manipulate and change my husbands behavior rather than my own....

make a list of things that bring me joy...
working at the shop
sitting by the lake
being with family
helping others(these 2 side jobs)
walking, hiking in the woods
driving to the beach
journaling, writing
watching movies with meaning
singing, playing piano


when I can't control things, it gives me a  feeling of hopelessness and despair...
I cannot blame everything on the drinking and I cannot convince another person to stop drinking, no matter how much I do or say...
I became a part of it and I became an expert at my own role, let's fix it before anyone finds out....
my frustration and resentment were covered up with denial and determination, accented with my need to control...
control, there is the biggie
an endless battle of letting it go and taking it back....this is me, this is my life, give it to God, things are okay and I am okay, boom, here we go again, I pull it back because he can't fix it...madness

I need to learn how to change my own life and really live....

morning pages.

I am thankful for family.  I am thankful for a mom that will host all of my crazy family at her house and provide food as well. I am thankful that she will take the time to get eggs and stuff them and have the big kids hide them.  I am blessed with both of my parents.  I had a good life.  I really did.  I should be extremely grateful for the life I was dealt.  I really shouldn't complain.  

I am stuck in this fear of the unknown.  knowing that things need to change, hoping that things will change, praying that things will change, but questioning if they will change.  I need to not be fearful and realize that I am not in control.  my life is unmanageable, my life is chaotic right now, while level, inside it is swirling with questions.  

this week is a new week, today is a new day. help me to look fear in the face and tell it to suck it.  honestly, because I need all the strength I have to kick it in the face this week.  

morning pages

I feel like I was in a spiraling nightmare and couldn't wake up.  each day I wasn't sure what was in store.  I wasn't sure what the mood, tone and result of the day would be.  now that I am awake, it still is cloudy.  I had hoped for a different outcome, but to no avail, I guess in all reality it is not what I wanted, what I wanted to control it to be.  why, because I am not in control.  and that terrifies me.  I don't want to be on board only to crash again in a few weeks.  I am so tired, so exhausted, so worried, so hopeless, so angry.  I am tired of feeling like this.  I want to believe that it can and will work, but I don't.  I need to work my own program and back off of his.  I need to support him in the best way I can and know how, but not be overbearing or discouraging.  
and now by stating the obvious, I feel like I have tainted the situation.  but I am tired of lying and covering for him, making up excuses.  I need to face my giants, he needs to face his giants and I need to trust god, not myself, but god.  

morning pages

I feel as if we are so close.  I also feel that I am having to convince him.  I am angry as hell at dennis.  why buy alcohol for him?  does he not realize that he was here alone with the kids?  I am hopeful, I am worried, I am scared.  at least we talked, at least we didn't fight.  I am thankful that he listened and he didn't retaliate and get mad.  let this vehicle thing work out, please let me find something so the van can go.  the only thing I am concerned with is the house.  I don't know how willing they will be to let us stay.  I need to take one day at a time and breathe and know that no matter how much I push, no matter how much I beg or plead, that I am not in control.  please help me to see that.  I am really conflicted about church.  I really am.  they know but yet they don't seek out?  shouldn't they?  shouldn't they realize that they shouldn't just wait?  shouldn't they make it a point to check in?  or at least think before they speak.  what makes you honestly think that I am good to hand out waters with three kids under foot, after just seeing me two hours ago and me telling you things are good and my husband has currently been drinking since Saturday?  why would you not have prayer, why wouldn't you have prayer first and then gather?  ugggh.  I am so confused and so unsure of where I, we are supposed to be.  my thoughts are swimming so fast in my head and I am struggling to think straight.  I really am.  
I know that Your hand is in this, I know that I need to trust you, I know that.  please help me to trust you and what you are doing.  because right now I need you desperately.  let me trust you and know that you are the one in control.  

morning pages

i am scared.  I am scared shitless .  I don't know how exactly to feel right now.  on one hand I feel sad and I accept that he has a disease.  on the other, I am angry and can't believe that we are in this place and this position.  meaning why did he do this, why has he made these choices.  we are fucked.  I feel like I am a person that is all hoity toity, I can picture my husband saying that to me, look at you fake person, look at you trying to take control and be the leader, its what you wanted....ugggh.....
am I trying to control the situation or am I trying to protect my family by looking at what I need to do.  am I supposed to sit back and just wait until more implodes?  rent and electric, those are my biggest concerns.  this is where I am fearful.  how much will diane and steve give, wait and be patient?  350 a week, we definitely can't do that now!  what the hell am I supposed to do?  
I need a miracle, honestly I do 

morning pages....

for future reference....I read on a blog about morning pages.  first thing, before anything else...just write....so this is my morning page for this Monday morning....

while I waited for the computer to load, I couldn't help but think, in the bottom right hand corner it says ask me anything.  do you think the internet knew what it had signed up for?  the ignorance, the stupidity, the sadness that it would type in that box for days to come.  only I would think up those things.  I went to bed not sure if my husband was breathing.  I debated on getting up and checking but was fearful that if I went out and touched him he would wake and become a monster.  so I made a pact with myself when I woke in the middle of the night I would go check if I didn't hear him snoring.  how absurd was that?  obviously he is still breathing or I would not be here right now....
to what extent will this binge last.  I know that I am supposed to work through my own issues, but I struggle with that.  I heard him go to the kitchen and I am assuming pour more vodka or  sprite in that cup.  it only made me detest him more and even more angry.  I hope that by writing these pages in the morning it will deter me from lashing out and vomiting at the mouth once he wakes up.  I question will he go to work today, will he drink on the job again.  will he continue to drink through the week?  or will he detox again.  these are questions I cannot ask him.  so I ask myself or I list them.  when he wakes up, how will he be, will he be mean, will he be angry there are no pants or are there pants in the closet.  no idea, but I do know that specifically did not wash his pants.  I know that is vengeful.  there is no excuse so I wont justify that.  
subconsciously I am questioning did he trap me.  I believe that he did.  for years, oh you don't need to work, I will take care of you and priding himself on that, only to be backlashed on it bc I struggle with staying at home.  now if I focus only on myself and making me better, will he retaliate...is it worth yet.  while it is in the long run, how much more do I have to take.  how much more do I put the kids through.  when is enough enough.  I am excited about landing work on the weekends but yet I worry there will be a fight and I will overdo it.  but somehow we have to climb out of this hole and I honestly don't want to be here fighting with him or around him because then I just pester him bc he does not want to engage.  uggggh.....  

3 things that went well today.....

spending the day with my son

my son being elected as the web master

going to the shop and catching up on tagging and cleaning a bit so the store was not a mess tomorrow

3 things that you could have done better....

I could have just accepted the cash this morning without being snarky

I could have left well enough alone and not text him

I could have not brought up more than once that he was drinking, especially in front of the littles

3 things I am grateful for....

being able to leave today and be kid free most of the day(spending time with Bo)

having a day to clean house and do laundry, sheets and curtains

brunch at the hotel, so gooooood....

write one daily intention, a way you want to show up in the world....

put myself out there, be honest, be real, be raw, because someone needs that

write 5 things you want to create, manifest, experience

I see starting the dinners again, somehow creating the space and time and resources to make that happen and available to 0thers

I want to create my own blog, my own memoir in the next year

I want to begin running again, I want to experience the runners high again, relive that experience.

I want to be a better mother

I want to step back and accept step 1 and move forward rather than backward

ask your soul what you need to know this day.....

I need to know that it is going to be okay.  I need to know what I am supposed to do, honestly, I am deeply terrified.  I need to know that I will believe again.  I need to know that I matter, I am important and I am worth it...

affirm 3 kind things about yourself....

I enjoy helping others

I am a good mother

I am a good friend

affirm 5 thoughts you want to believe....

I am strong

I am able

I will heal

I will believe

I am loved

write how I feel....

I am angry,  I am sad.  I am scared.  I am not sure what to do anymore.  I am not sure what to believe or what direction to take.  

express something you're struggling with and ask for guidance....

I am struggling with my anger.  I am struggling to admit that I am powerless and not in control.  I want to be in control.  I am not.  my thoughts, my feelings, my rage, my life, my husband, my marriage.  I need guidance and I need to adhere to that guidance.  

blinded by anger

today this post will bleed red.  why?  because I am angry.  I am angry at my husband, I am angry at God.  I believe that is a very dangerous path to be on.  After so many years of just stuffing my feelings and hurts, it is finally surfacing and boiling over into anger.