morning pages....

for future reference....I read on a blog about morning pages.  first thing, before anything else...just write....so this is my morning page for this Monday morning....

while I waited for the computer to load, I couldn't help but think, in the bottom right hand corner it says ask me anything.  do you think the internet knew what it had signed up for?  the ignorance, the stupidity, the sadness that it would type in that box for days to come.  only I would think up those things.  I went to bed not sure if my husband was breathing.  I debated on getting up and checking but was fearful that if I went out and touched him he would wake and become a monster.  so I made a pact with myself when I woke in the middle of the night I would go check if I didn't hear him snoring.  how absurd was that?  obviously he is still breathing or I would not be here right now....
to what extent will this binge last.  I know that I am supposed to work through my own issues, but I struggle with that.  I heard him go to the kitchen and I am assuming pour more vodka or  sprite in that cup.  it only made me detest him more and even more angry.  I hope that by writing these pages in the morning it will deter me from lashing out and vomiting at the mouth once he wakes up.  I question will he go to work today, will he drink on the job again.  will he continue to drink through the week?  or will he detox again.  these are questions I cannot ask him.  so I ask myself or I list them.  when he wakes up, how will he be, will he be mean, will he be angry there are no pants or are there pants in the closet.  no idea, but I do know that specifically did not wash his pants.  I know that is vengeful.  there is no excuse so I wont justify that.  
subconsciously I am questioning did he trap me.  I believe that he did.  for years, oh you don't need to work, I will take care of you and priding himself on that, only to be backlashed on it bc I struggle with staying at home.  now if I focus only on myself and making me better, will he retaliate...is it worth yet.  while it is in the long run, how much more do I have to take.  how much more do I put the kids through.  when is enough enough.  I am excited about landing work on the weekends but yet I worry there will be a fight and I will overdo it.  but somehow we have to climb out of this hole and I honestly don't want to be here fighting with him or around him because then I just pester him bc he does not want to engage.  uggggh.....